http://www.thefunny.org/easter.php

Well, it's a fact that there are some ugly people in society, and yes, it makes people feel better to poke fun at them. THEN there is a rare breed of women who actually strive to be as ugly as humanly possible...I call them female body builders.

I've heard of equality of the sexes, and power to women... but these 'beefed up' dolls take it to a new, extreme level. Ew.

On one of my many 'all-nighter' stints, I became bored watching Vesna from 'Big Brother up Late' feeling sorry for her bulbus arse, and began flicking channels aimlessly. When I'd just about lost all hope a close-up of a pack of extremely well defined abs filled my screen. Yes, finally, objectification of men...

Much to my disgust, the camera slowly zoomed back to reveal the butch, furious facial expressions of a female body builder. I threw up in my mouth a little bit when she proceeded to play the piano with her pectorals...

Yes, I can understand why women see the need to be fit and carry a certain amount of strength, it's a safety thing in the off-chance that we may invaded by buff aliens. But, having to live off steroids, protein shakes and raw eggs, couldn't you see that the extremity of body builders is unnatural and unnecessary?

Although, I must admit, these ladies do a fine job at maintaing femininity, despite their obvious yearning to have a penis hanging between their meaty thighs. They always present themselves in a lady-like fashion, wearing skimpy clothes and stiletto heels and are always lathered up with oil...that exudes sex appeal.

Perhaps one day these gender confused mammals will see the hypocrisy of it all...perhaps they wont.

Until then, we'll just let them continue to form their alien fighting army.

*Sigh*

I fear that I am suffering a bout of writers block. Does anyone have any ideas for topics?

As Margot says, "I have constipation of the brain."

G'day Blue. Let's, for one moment, take a look at 'stereotypical' male Australians. Yeehaw.

Sitting on my cousins back deck, drinking a VB, having a fag and observing her all-Australian neighbours, I groaned in pity.

There they were, four middle-aged men sitting around a plastic outdoor setting, equipped with a cheap mesh umbrella to keep the sun off their already melanoma-ridden topless trunks. All four were cussing profusely, chucking back glass after glass of bitter, cheap beer, rubbing the dregs on their erect nipples and listening to 'f*ck with me tonight.' Nothing suss. The fact that it was now going on 5pm and they'd been stationary since 11am suggested they were all also unemployed. Go figure. Lord knows why you wouldn't want someone like that working for you.

I blame Steve Irwin and Alf Stewart (Home and Away) for this ideological mess. D*cks.

Why do males see the need to out-man each other with sheer brutality and volume?
One man would say a loud, abusive comment regarding the 'fu*ckin' c*nts!'  and the second would out-do it by laughing as loud and as 'patriotically' as physically possible. *HYUCK HYUCK HYUCK* I almost bled out of my ears.

So I threw them some raw meat and went inside to watch re-runs of Jerry Springer.

What is it with the average Australian male and their perception of manliness? It's F*cked. To me, you just look like a bunch of egotistical, unintelligent f*ck tards that think they are God's gift to women. "G'day Sweetheart." Puke. I'd rather shove razor blades up my arse than engage in any sexual activity with you dirty, primitive beasts. I'd undoubtedly end up in an abusive relationship with a child who has facial hair, wears a wife-beater (blue singlet) and smokes winnie-blues, all by the age of 3.

But I'd be livin' the dream of all Australian women, right?

Hoorah for me,

1638 hits so far! AND STILL GOING!

Plus, 104 comments on 12 blogs.

This needs to be said. The human race has been discreet about this topic for far too long now...it's time somebody took the reigns and spoke out.

Farting is hilarious. No matter which way you look at it. It's a 'natural' way of bringing others discomfort and disgust... how couldn't  it be considered funny?

Through the evolution of society, farting has become a somewhat hidden aspect of human life. If it has to be referred to it is called 'passing wind'  (Oh me, oh my Doloris, I can't believe you just said that aloud!) or something sickenly cute like 'letting fluffy off the chain.' (Inferring your great, stinking fart is cute and furry...) Why don't you just let 'em rip, loud and proud...If possible, on someone else...or in a confined space (e.g. The car). I guarantee a laugh, if not on their behalf, on yours.

There should be more farting, and less "Celebrity Circus."  

Situation 1

(FAAAAAAART!)

"Oh my, was that you  Gueniveve?"

"Not I, Gertrude."

*Disapproving, suspicious looks on Gueniveve's behalf*

Situation 2

(FAAAAAAART!)

"Oh my, was that you Gueniveve?"

"Yes."

*Girlish laughter*

"Oh you dirty bitch Gueniveve!" *Laughter*

Put your kids to bed, lock your doors, draw your blinds...and watch out. It's time for cooking adventures with Ian 'Huey' Hewitson, the fattest thing to hit the TV since I got the shits with it this afternoon and smacked it with a 5 iron.

Upon watching the sweat gather in the crevices of his chins, mesmerized, I had some time to reflect.

Ian 'Huey' Hewiston, as he is so fondly known, is the most repulsive chef I have ever seen on television...watching his fat fingers fumble furiously around the packaging of a stick of butter made me cringe. He then proceeded to douse a salad with that stick of butter after melting it..."Just a bit of flavouring."

Fat isn't a flavour, Ian. Fat isn't a flavour.  

Everything Huey cooks is drenched with oil or butter...or giant size. He made sushi in todays episode, and it looked more like a kebab...he then proceeded to deep fry the sushi roll..."Just a bit of flavouring." Yeah, right, whatever Huey. You fat f*ck.

By this point old Huey was getting a little puffed. So he took a 5er, ate a deep fried banana..."Just a bit of flavouring," and had a talk to the viewer. His incessant breathing through his mouth drove me insane, so I went back to watching the sweat on his chins. It looked so happy. I wish I was a bead of sweat on Huey's chins sometimes. *longing sigh*.

If only.

I'd be one salty little f*cker, that's for sure.

I hate Goths. Almost as much as I hate Emos. No, wait, I take that back...I hate them equally. (Hate is such a powerful emotion ) 

Goths are almost as common as Emos and just as undesirable. They mostly consist of meaty girls with big, black scowls on their faces and knee-high boots that cut off the circulation to their cankles. Poor dears. If only they were as skinny as their male comrades, those bastards look like they've been locked inside for the past 3 months and fed only on the raw emotion of their "pointless" lives.

Let's look at "Goth" fashion for one moment shall we..(Females) - Black knee-high boots, fishnet stockings, a sufficiently flowing black frock shirt with tapered sleeves for added effect, chunky jewellery (often religious symbols), black hair (maybe a streak of red if were feeling spontanious), pasty white makeup, black lipstick and copious amounts of black eyeliner.

Can you look me in the eye...and tell me that isn't the ugliest f*cking image you could ever imagine?

Goths consider themselves "unique" and the way they dress is meant to say "stick it to conformity"...but they all dress the same.

Stupid Goth 1 : "I hate conformity. Wahh Wahh Wahh. Society, blah blah, mainstream, blah blah, Ronan Keating concert, blah blah. "

Stupid Goth 2 : "Me TOO! Let's be different TOGETHER!"

That's right guys, you BREAK FREE from those shackles of conformity and be your own person...HOORAH FOR INDIVIDUALITY!

Attention all Goths: You don't have supernatural powers and the ability to curse people.(I am the only one with that gift) You aren't vampires and your hair is ugly.

They should get the Metro's onto you.

Go on, sacrafice me, I dare you. Bleeeet.

While flitting though hilarious feedback on my blog, it came to my attention that some people think I am a heartless bitch with nothing better to do than whinge. Apparently I have experienced no real pain, so my writing is pointless. Apparently I need to look at both sides of the situation.

I say to you: You're right. But it wouldn't be fun then.

You've only fuelled the fire. MWUAHAHA.

As a worldly child, I have come to the conclusion that Will Ferrell is a comic genius. Perhaps even one of the best. And I am right.

I've seen every movie he's been in, and he never fails to amuse me. This world needs more Will Ferrells and less Sean Connerys. Those decrepit old bastards are everywhere these days...where you least expect them.

BOO! Har har har, scared ya! <-- What Sean Connery would say if he jumed out from behind a wheelie bin at you. He's the second highest cause of heart attacks in Australia.

Back to Will Ferrell. He should be in more movies. They should make EVERY movie funny, starring Will Ferrell (And Ben Stiller, of course). I'd definetly support the film industry more if this was the case.

I just thought I'd add this positive entry for a contrast to my constant cynicism. Enjoy it. It may very well be the last.

ROCK ON WILL FERRELL.

So I bought me a nice authentic fur coat the other day...On my evening stroll through the park, (I was wearing it and my authentic leather shoes and peacock feather hat) I was stopped by some tree hugging hippie calling me an "animal killer." After a furious battle I (As usual) came out victorious. Conveniently, I was carrying a raw, bloody steak in my bag, which I slapped across her face and shoved down her '100% cotton' blouse.

This is not uncommon, attacks from bitter vegans happen to innocent consumers every day. Someone needs to put an end to this insanity. Soon it won't be safe to step outside without being "PETA" approved. We will all be running naked, free and barbaric...just like the animals.

Do these f*ckwits think that animals will ever be equal to humans? We NEED animals as food to survive. If dinosaurs ran the earth we would just be fodder for them, right? It just so happens that humans have bigger brains and are more technologically advanced.

I don't know about you but my diet requires iron. (Most commonly found in red meat). Yes, I know it also comes in a range of delightful little vegetables, but the ratio of iron to food is considerably smaller than that of meat.

Alright, Alright...I can SEE why people don't eat meat...it gets stuck in your teeth. What I don't understand is why people 'boycott' dairy products. "Oooh, Wahh, the cows are treated terribly! They shouldn't be subjected to milking everyday!" Ahh BULLSH*T! They LOVE being milked. I've seen them do it before. They walk to the milking shed THEMSELVES! They get fed whilst being milked...AND if you don't milk them the cows are just in pain because it all builds up in their udder. DUH.

Who the hell are these people that are destroying the meat industry anyway? Why does everything with you sensitive tools have to be a problem? Choke on a shank already.

Get a life you flaky fools. You're laughable.

"My wizard overrules your swamp monster...THAT'S IT...I've just awarded 2000hit point damage to you!!! *Gweyben Hayben*"

Man I hate Yu-Gi-Oh cards. And people who play them for that matter. Is it coincidence that they all have over-abundant amounts of saliva and spend their nights wan*ing over anime porn? Who knows. It's one of life's little mysteries. Why is it the fetish of having supernatural powers only affects your typical 'nerds?' You don't see the big, jockey football meatheads sitting there squabbling over cards...Unless they are polka cards, and they have pictures of naked chicks on them. *Gnarly*

I was at school today observing these kids and as I sat and watched them huddle together, keeping warm from each others body fat, breathing heavily through their fat little mouths, I couldn't help but sigh in agony. These little ferrets have absolutely no people skills whatsoever. There was one kid, a year ten boy, who was obviously the chief 'yu-gi-oher' whom I just wanted to punch in the face. He sh*tted me off hardcore. I just had to sit there and listen to his whiney-arse little voice complain all lunch. It's like he actually believed these characters were real!

I'm going to make up my own card-game. All cards will be pictures of ME, in different poses, with different powers. It will by f*cking SWEET, every kid will want a pack. Just draw me in anime and It's sure to be a hit with the little'uns. I'll have some nerdy little fat kid thumbing my card all lunch. YAHOO. I can't believe nobody has thought of making a card came out of me before!

Vomit. What is today's youth? Seriously. Why can't we play marbles? Or go for soda's at the malt shop? Or...Everyone could just be like me...We'd all be so f*cking awesome. We're all going to have arthritis by the age of 25 from typing, be American, all be women, or all have committed suicide thanks to the glorification of it in the 'DEEP' music played on the radio.

Burn in hell Yu-Gi-Oh, you've killed my childhood you selfish bastard.

Diz iznt ne fasta or eazia 2 typ or read so y tha fuk do u do it?

There is nothing I hate more than seeing illiterate f*cks to type like this on the internet. As I said, it ISN'T any faster, any easier to read...and it certainly doesn't make you any 'cuter.'

In fact, it just makes people think you are stupid...unless they type like you too...but they don't count because I don't consider them as human beings.

ANOTHER thing I hate is when people add "Hehehehe" to the end of a sentence. This is usually fat chicks that are trying to make themselves seem more petite...as if they actually have a delicate little laugh. BAHA. ...It's more like "MwuaHAhHAHA *cough, splutter, gnawing on a lamb shank* HAHAHAHA. *Shudder* I'm getting mental images.

EUGH! If I see one more profile that doesn't use correct grammar and sentence structure I think I will break down and cry. Haven't you ever heard of a topic sentence people? Followed by expansion of ideas? And a concluding statement? Basic English. Nobody with half a brain enjoys reading that drivel. What's the point of it? Typing 'U' as opposed to 'YOU' isn't saving you that much time anyway, it's TWO f*cking letters! Why don't you concentrate more on the development of ideas and perhaps a theme to your writing if you wouldn't mind. I'm sure nobody particularly cares about your pathetic fight with your pathetic boyfriend (probably a stupid Emo or a 'Metrosexual') or how much you hate your life. BOO HOO.
You're all boring and depressive.

Frankly, I'd rather suck down a slurpie so fast that I get a brain freeze for the next ten minutes than see someone "Tee-Hee-Hee" in my face. At least say "Haha"...it has more substance to it. I don't often hear people actually SAY "hehehe" when they laugh..Unless, as stated earlier, they are enormously fat and trying to be dainty.

I'm going to go and eat some neapolitan ice-cream now, because it's more fun and gives me more joy than all of you. Lern to speel yew tewls.

Cya rnd loozas.

Attention all you walking vagina's out there...this is a message to you, sweet cheeks.

The average 'manly' image is turning to sh*t! All the guys these days wear pink, shave their legs and have no problem 'expressing their sensitivity.' F*cking bunch of cock-sucking poetry writers. You disgust me.

Seriously, give me a hairy, horney man who will slap me on the arse and tell me i'm a "top Sheila," as opposed to those pussy arse excuses for men that have labelled themselves as "Metrosexuals." What the f*ck? Who came up with a name for these f*cksticks? I want a man who will wear flannies, work in a lumber yard, say "C*nt" a lot, give me pash rash from his beard and demand I "Fetch him his dinner." Not some little pussy in a pink shirt with better hair than me telling me he's going to make "Cajun" tonight from his new Martha f*cking Stewart recipe book. I don't give a shit about equality of the sexes, men shouldn't wear perfume.

And do they think it's funny when they "pretend" to be gay, thinking it would be SO obvious their not.  Something about a boy grabbing another boy's arse, giving a 'camp' giggle and saying "Thorry Hunny!" sets me right off. Puke.

So here's what you can do.

• Grow some hair
• Grow some balls
• Go stick your dicks in the microwave

It's not appealing, It's not 'Sexy,' It's putrid and wrong. I'm off to have hot, sweaty sex with my lumberjack boyfriend "Hank" now.

F*ck Metrosexuals.

For anyone who doesn't already know, 'Emo' is short for 'Emotional' and is the newest, SNAZZIEST fad to hit the teenage population. Here is a few quick tips on how to be the most sucessful Emo that you can possibly be.

STEP ONE: Hate everything

It doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing, a true Emo never shows any signs of enjoyment of a life activity. Unless they are sitting in their dark hovel listening to 'deeply emotional and moving' bands such as Simple Plan, Greenday or Good Charlotte. It's okay to cry then.

STEP 2: Dye your hair black. For all you Males out there, wear eyeliner.

Trust me, this one is a sure fire way to be accepted as a unique and creative individual. After all, anyone with black hair gelled down to their pasty, make-up covered face is SO original.

STEP 3: Listen to sh*tty music.

As stated earlier, Simple Plan, Greenday, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park, Sum41 and Destiny's Child are all acceptable 'Emo' bands. Besides, it's more about the physical image than the music, right?

STEP 4: Have angst. The world owes you.

You need to remember this when having everyday conversations if you are to keep up the Emo image. Nothing is good, everything goes wrong for you. 'Life is fucked up,' this is a good motivational thought for appropriate facial expressions. And remember, always take every opportunity to bring up suicide and what a release it would be. Also, for bonus points, write Linkin Park lyrics all over your school books and your own flesh (In red pen, of course...Heaven forbid you should feel REAL pain).

STEP 5: Stick together.

I can't stress this one enough people. If you want to be taken seriously and be recognised as 'unique rebels' then you need to band everyone together...so you can ALL sit there looking sad. Trust me, this will have a much greater impact than a singular Emo.

.....................................................................................................

I f*cking hate Emo's. They are spreading like STD's and are polluting today's youth. Do they seriously expect people to take them seriously? I don't want them to be the face of the teenage population, and sadly, that's what they are becoming.

ATTENTION EMO'S: There IS actually some good music out there, you don't HAVE to listen to whatever the top 20 has to offer. Diversity people, diversity.

Has anyone else noticed how depressed today's youth is?? (Yes, I know I am one of them, but i'm not all Emo and depressive, so I'm not included) It's distrubing to think about it. All the music today is either about teen suicide, violence, sex, or how big snoop doggy dogg's balls are! There is a number of songs based on thigs such as love, I know, but even the love songs are depressive. FOR EXAMPLE, Jojo! She's 13 and singing about how "She hopes you know that when it's late at night, she holds onto her pillow tight, and thinks of how you promised her forever." Vomit.

Jojo is a d*ck.

To conclude, I hope aliens come to earth, abduct all the Emos and probe them...You make me sick Emo's, get some original ideas.

Just when you think reality TV couldn't sink any lower, they give Justine Hall  her own f*cking restaurant.

The Greedy Goose was the winning restaurant for the 2005 series of 'My restaurant rules.' Whoop de F*cking doo. This blog is dedicated to how much I hate Justine Hall, the joint owner of the restaurant and perhaps the most unintelligent, thin-lipped, overbearing wannabee star on TV in the past 5 years. She makes me sick.

The whole way through the show Justine has persisted with this "I'm Oh-So-Nutty, but Oh-So-Sickley cute" attitude that frankly, is not fooling anyone. If you were fooled then I pity you, you gullible twat. Did anyone see the episode where she'd "Left her till keys at home so she had to break into her till" *insert shrill, painful laugh here*. From then on, each episode would consist of me sitting there imagining how awesome it would be to crack a wooden spoon across her ugly mug.

AND SHE F*CKING WON! What is wrong with you people? Do you really want to watch follow-up success stories of her restaurant featuring her gummy smile and unwitty, unfunny comments? I DON'T. She reminds me of some dirty, has-been stripper trailer trash mother, fresh from the wrong side of the tracks who's just gotten off parole and is trying to make a 'fresh' start by creating a 'family' restaurant.

Didn't anyone see when she WASHED HER FEET IN THE KITCHEN SINK? I don't care that she put f*cking metho in there to steralise it. Nobody should be subjected to watching that dirty b*tch cleaning herself in the sink near where your food is prepared. The problem wouldn't have occurred if she'd just come to work with clean f*cking  feet.

All of her campaigning consisted of her storming the streets of Adelaide screaming "GO THE GOOSE" in her meaty soccer-mum voice. When somebody (understanably) made a comment to her on the streets saying "You're going to loose this compeition because of your personality" She turned around and had a winge about HIM! I mean, if somebody said that to you wouldn't you at LEAST sit back for a second and think "F*ck, what could have caused him to say that"  But no, good ol' Justine Hall always blames everyone else.

So, to conclude, I'd like to say, eat sh*t Justine Hall, I hope your restaurant crashes and burns right into your fat, ghetto arse.

Also, I wish her husband John all the best, congratulations on winning buddy, you deserve it.

Hello.

Well, this is the first one hey, where it all begins. First of all, if you have anything negative to say then don't f*cking shoot your head off to me, because I don't give a sh*t.  

At this point in my life I have become a great pessimist. I'm not full of your typical 'teen angst' (maybe just a tad), i'm just growing up and 'finding myself'...I understand that. What I don't understand is why you need two-faced, fascist b*tches to make life harder. They feel so small about themselves that they try and drag you down with them. *Sigh* I'd like to quit school and all the sh*t that comes with it, but I want to badly to do my drama degree that I know I can't. I don't fancy winding up an over-worked and under-paid Woolworths checkout lady, but...I guess the world needs them too.

As I said in my 'Hobbies and Interests' categories, I hate Religion. I don't discriminate, I hate them all. I find Buddhism the most harmless, but I don't like the seperation of human beings that Religion causes. Yeah, fine, I can see why people belive in God or whatever, they believe in 'Heaven' to make death seem less scary, but I don't like how people spend their whole lives obsessing about death and 'preparing' for it. I't s just sick. And by the way, I am not making any statements about religious people themselves...I just disagree with their practice.

Wow, this blog is so full of optimism.

Hmm, something funny...I loooove Little Britain, Family Guy, Anchorman, The Simpsons, Anything with Ben Stiller!!! (HAH!) As Maddox said,

"I think they should find a way to liquify Ben Stiller so I can inject him directly to my veins."

I also love Badges, I'm working up a collection!  Hopfully soon I will be getting my own making machine and I can mass produce in my sweatshop.

Well, I guess that is all.

Au Revoir.